And In the End, I'd Do It All Again (an open letter to my best friend)

Hey there Boo.
I know, this is dorky of me, but you're used to it by now, right? There has just been so much on my mind lately. You left for school in August and I thought I'd be fine. I could handle it. I'll make new friends. But I was wrong.

Texting and face timing just isn't cutting it. So here is my letter to you.

Do you ever wonder what life would be like, had we never met? I'm just thankful this wasn't in the stars.

 We met before high school, I'd see you in between classes, or at lunch sitting in the hall way with Rachel. I knew Rachel a little bit better at the time. You two seemed inseparable. I craved that, that security, that friendship. I wasn't yet really friends with Kelcie. I was still coasting. Time went by and to be honest, I forgot about you.

We barely knew each other. I hung out with a different crowd. One I didn't belong in, not really. I love Kelcie, and she is a super good friend, but her friends are not my friends. We played Ultimate until all of us left on missions. I served mine in Pittsburgh while everyone else went foreign, or Washington. Really, no in between. I was refined during that 18 months. I became a different person. I confronted some demons I had always wondered about. But I confronted them on my own, no physical person to write to or explain. No one quite understood me. Because we weren't friends yet.

I came home and started hanging out with Lexy. She really saved me to be honest. I was depressed and still a shadow of the person I was before. She told me her job was hiring: Jamba Juice. Also, how chill her manager was (now I know this to be a lie. Brendon is NOT chill haha!). She'd put a good word in for me if I was interested. So I picked up an application. You were there, Rachel was too. I said hi but talked more to Rachel. After all, I knew her better. Rachel said she also would put in a good word for me too. You agreed and went back to your shift. The call came days after I put the application in and I got the job.

I messed up a lot, but you were there to coach me through (Don't use concentrate to make a fresh juice). I remember how nice you were. I was so glad I knew some people there. Then Leeann came home and you and Rachel and Leeann just gelled. You hung out a lot and would occasionally invite me to come along. I'd tag along but always felt like the outsider. You'd notice and made sure I didn't feel left out. I felt happy for the first time in a long time. I had friends.

Of course then came Vegas. You explained that you were getting tickets to see Fall Out Boy in Vegas for Rachel's birthday. I remember hesitating because 1.) Vegas, and 2.) Fall Out Boy. I knew exactly 2 songs from them. But I agreed. It might be fun.

Then, Leeann bailed on us, leaving us totally stranded. We booked a risky hotel and later loved it. I mean for crying out loud, the apples alone made the trip. You introduced me to a whole new world. A world of crazy awesome music, a world of laughter, and a world of acceptance. We got high (sorta) and we ate lots of caramel apples, and watched re-runs of Friends in the hotel after the concert. In the moment, I knew something special was happening.

You got taken to San Tan (not bitter), and I quit Jamba. I worked a different job, but we still talked. We were in the same ward. Our small talk turned to discussions and obsessions we shared. And if we didn't share them, we listened while the other went on.

Time went by, we saw many more concerts, none quite as memorable as the first though. We binge watched shows and saw scary movies. We crushed on boys and when it didn't go well comforted the other with "He is probably mentally insane cuz who wouldn't want you? Frick, I want you!" We went on road trips and set plans for the coming year. We sat outside each others houses and talked until 2-3am about life, work, boys, friends, religion, philosophy. I started to open up to someone in a way I didn't know I could. I trusted you. You even got me to quit my other job and come back to Jamba Juice. Only for you though. Then you told me you were going up to UVU.

I shut you out. You might not have noticed. When we talked about it, I changed the subject. It broke my heart to think that you would be living 12 hours away. It was easier to pretend that wasn't the case. I built up this beautiful brick wall that I wouldn't let anyone tear down. People would ask if I was ready for you to leave. The answer was always "yes, so she can continue on in life". But I hated that answer. The night before you left we hung out. You brought it up again, and I shut you down with the excuse "I don't wanna cry". But that wasn't the truth. The truth was I couldn't cry. Not right then. I felt completely numb. In those moments, I was losing my best friend. You eventually got out of my car and we hugged goodbye. But you didn't get to see the tears in my eyes as I drove home. The streams that left a trail on my cheeks. The drops that fell on to my lap. I had never lost someone like I was losing you. I was mad and I wiped the tears away angrily. This was dumb.

We texted and talked like nothing had changed. Until weekends rolled around and I was fine with closing on Friday and Saturday nights, because who was I supposed to hang out with?

Over time, I came to terms with it. You've been gone almost 5 months with 2 trips back down. I had a countdown on my phone just for you because I needed you back. Why such an emotion? Why did I have the feels?! And this week I realized why.

And in true Kate fashion, it's in the form of a Fall Out Boy song.

"And in the end, I'd do it all again, I think you're my best friend."

You are the person that I call when I frustrated to my wits end about work or school. I call you up when that really dumb boy in my World Religion's class is being stupid and I'm about to start a fight. You are the person that I have deep and meaningful discussions with. We talk about life and religion and where we want to be in 5 years. You are also the person that tolerates my rants as to why I think Patrick Stump is actually the best person on earth or my take on why Pete Wentz posted such and such on Instagram. You are the person who calls me out when I'm being a little brat. And by calling me out, I mean that you tell me to go get em. We swear a little and praise Jesus on Sundays. We jam out to some song about "champagne, cocaine, gasoline" despite the fact that the most illegal thing we've done is parked in a handicapped spot in front of your house while we jammed to said song. You are my person.

Despite the hell we've been through with some really interesting friend choices, you get me. You tolerate my never ending memes on messenger, my incessant sending of Buzzfeed articles in an effort to pretend we are still close. You, my friend, are the most amazing person I know. The most kind human. You've shown me the balance of loving people despite their differences and trusting everyone you meet, sometimes to a fault. You are truly a beautiful person inside and out.

So as I consider our friendship and where we started from, I can't help but ask, what about 2017?

All my love.
Kate

Time Crawls On When You're Waiting For the Song To Start, So Dance Alone To the Beat of Your Heart

So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. My life is now where near where I want it to be. I need a lot of help. I'm going to be transparent for a second.

I'm in college. Yipee. I have an ok job, that demands a lot of mental hours (unpaid mind you). I'm extremely active in church responsibilities and yet, I sit here and think, "I'm not happy. Why am I not happy?" Probably because I am doing it all wrong. 

Yup. I said it. I admit it. I. am. wrong. My habits have lead me down a dark and demeaning road. I constantly look in the mirror and think "Who are you? Why do you even bother?"

I've done some amazing things in my life: I've been to New York City, I've seen a Broadway musical, I lived in Pennsylvania for 18 months (shout out to my lovelies!), I work as a habilitation worker for special needs kids, I am in school studying to be a speech pathologist, I am 21 years old with the world at my finger tips and I stare back into a mirror that is as empty as I feel. It gives no answer. It responds to no question. 

The future ways heavy on my mind. What am I going to do with life?

The answer? Something. SOMETHING great. I know I made a few New Year's Resolutions but let's be honest....who even keeps those beyond February? I didn't even make it to the 2nd week in January. But, I learned something about myself. I am not content to just sit back and let life pass me by day by stinking day. Who says tomorrow isn't going to be the best day of my life? I mean, it darn well could be, if I made it so. 

I was lucky enough to have a very spiritual experience this past week. I had made some mistakes that didn't leave me in good standing with God and I had to change those. It is a constant battle. Some days the devil wins, some days, Jesus does. It is really up to me who I trust more that day. Anyway, I was praying about the future (duh) and I felt the weirdest thing. I just wanted to quit my job. But apparently, God has another plan for me. I'm not entirely sure I am ready for it, but with God, all things are possible. I'm still working things out, but I know that in that moment, God hadn't given up on me. I'm still precious in His sight. 

I also started reading the book More Than the Tattooed Mormon by Al Carraway. Dude. She knows her stuff. If I can be half the woman she is, then I'll be good to go. So , her book talks about her conversion into the LDS faith and why she lives the way she does. In one of her chapters, "Blogging and Speaking", she talks about why she does it. Obviously, because she loves God and wants to see people happy. But she says something that made me sit up from where I was reading. "It's about you. It's about God. It's about overcoming, becoming better, and being happy. It's about returning. What an extraordinary journey we're on!"

Being happy. What is being happy? Whatever it is, I want it. What makes me happy? Good music? Food? Exercise? Finished homework and a long weekend? Well, yeah. But what brings me joy?

God. God brings me joy. He brings me lasting happiness in the darkest of times. He brings me little gifts of sunshine when I wonder if anything else could possible go wrong. He brings me decent parking spots in the school parking lot that is being renovated. He brings me my favorite song when I'm having a crummy day. He brings me home. Every day I get to go home and see my family who love me and appreciate the things that I do. He shows me that there is joy in the world, even when all that there seems to be is sadness, depression, sickness, wars, famines, and a lack of respect. With God, all things will be made right. 
I just know, that from now on, I have to CHOOSE happiness.

 I have to CHOOSE joy. 

I have to CHOOSE God.

Or else the devil is just waiting for me to trip over my own two feet and help me tumble down the mountain of depression. And my soul is worth so much more than that. Is yours? (The answer is 'yes', of course.)

I can't change others, but I can change myself. And I am planning on doing that. So here is to a new me, a happier me. Because I love God more than I love to wallow in self pity.

^katiegirl^

"For what it's worth: It's never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you're proud of, and if you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start over." F. Scott Fitzgerald