So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. My life is now where near where I want it to be. I need a lot of help. I'm going to be transparent for a second.
I'm in college. Yipee. I have an ok job, that demands a lot of mental hours (unpaid mind you). I'm extremely active in church responsibilities and yet, I sit here and think, "I'm not happy. Why am I not happy?" Probably because I am doing it all wrong.
Yup. I said it. I admit it. I. am. wrong. My habits have lead me down a dark and demeaning road. I constantly look in the mirror and think "Who are you? Why do you even bother?"
I've done some amazing things in my life: I've been to New York City, I've seen a Broadway musical, I lived in Pennsylvania for 18 months (shout out to my lovelies!), I work as a habilitation worker for special needs kids, I am in school studying to be a speech pathologist, I am 21 years old with the world at my finger tips and I stare back into a mirror that is as empty as I feel. It gives no answer. It responds to no question.
The future ways heavy on my mind. What am I going to do with life?
The answer? Something. SOMETHING great. I know I made a few New Year's Resolutions but let's be honest....who even keeps those beyond February? I didn't even make it to the 2nd week in January. But, I learned something about myself. I am not content to just sit back and let life pass me by day by stinking day. Who says tomorrow isn't going to be the best day of my life? I mean, it darn well could be, if I made it so.
I was lucky enough to have a very spiritual experience this past week. I had made some mistakes that didn't leave me in good standing with God and I had to change those. It is a constant battle. Some days the devil wins, some days, Jesus does. It is really up to me who I trust more that day. Anyway, I was praying about the future (duh) and I felt the weirdest thing. I just wanted to quit my job. But apparently, God has another plan for me. I'm not entirely sure I am ready for it, but with God, all things are possible. I'm still working things out, but I know that in that moment, God hadn't given up on me. I'm still precious in His sight.
I also started reading the book More Than the Tattooed Mormon by Al Carraway. Dude. She knows her stuff. If I can be half the woman she is, then I'll be good to go. So , her book talks about her conversion into the LDS faith and why she lives the way she does. In one of her chapters, "Blogging and Speaking", she talks about why she does it. Obviously, because she loves God and wants to see people happy. But she says something that made me sit up from where I was reading. "It's about you. It's about God. It's about overcoming, becoming better, and being happy. It's about returning. What an extraordinary journey we're on!"
Being happy. What is being happy? Whatever it is, I want it. What makes me happy? Good music? Food? Exercise? Finished homework and a long weekend? Well, yeah. But what brings me joy?
God. God brings me joy. He brings me lasting happiness in the darkest of times. He brings me little gifts of sunshine when I wonder if anything else could possible go wrong. He brings me decent parking spots in the school parking lot that is being renovated. He brings me my favorite song when I'm having a crummy day. He brings me home. Every day I get to go home and see my family who love me and appreciate the things that I do. He shows me that there is joy in the world, even when all that there seems to be is sadness, depression, sickness, wars, famines, and a lack of respect. With God, all things will be made right.
I just know, that from now on, I have to CHOOSE happiness.
I have to CHOOSE joy.
I have to CHOOSE God.
Or else the devil is just waiting for me to trip over my own two feet and help me tumble down the mountain of depression. And my soul is worth so much more than that. Is yours? (The answer is 'yes', of course.)
I can't change others, but I can change myself. And I am planning on doing that. So here is to a new me, a happier me. Because I love God more than I love to wallow in self pity.
^katiegirl^
"For what it's worth: It's never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you're proud of, and if you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start over." F. Scott Fitzgerald
