Thursday, January 5, 2017

This Is Our Culture

I think most people can agree, 2016 was...interesting. For me, it was one of the worst years of my life, but hey, I survived. So it couldn't be that totally horrible right? And I learned some things along the way. But I wanted to talk about my New Years Resolution.

 I said that I wanted to go on a date every month. Ha. Yeah I think I went on one date total. And that taught me some really great things. Mostly that boys are the worst. (: No, I learned a lot about myself and how wonderful it is to be on my own. I didn't have to worry about checking in with somebody and worry about using my hard earned money on an awkward date that would probably go no where. I could learn about my weaknesses and how Satan can use them to exploit me and how merciful the Savior truly is.

Another resolution that I had was to avoid social media for the entire year. Oh boy. The things I learned.

People are ADDICTED to their phones. I didn't believe how often I tried to have a conversation with someone and they were on their phone, scrolling through Instagram. Now, that's just society. But its a sad society we live in.

The first few weeks were rough for me. I felt that I was being left out of everything. "Did you hear so and so are dating? What about this video? Did you see the girl you knew from high school is pregnant?" etc. Neat. But as I began to focus on WHY I quit social media, I realized I didn't miss it as much as I thought I would. Yeah, everyone and their dog got married last year, and I can't BELIEVE how many people had babies, but I did my own thing. I was happy. Mostly.

 I thought that quitting social media would cure my depression. I thought when I stopped seeing everyone getting married and travelling I would stop feeling sorry for myself and my boring little life. But it didn't. And I realize it wasn't because I was feeling sorry for myself. It was because I was unhappy with my life. And because I stayed off social media, I began to focus on me and fix my life. I still have moments where the sadness comes in, but I know its me and not someone else's doing.

Social media also gives us a false sense of connection. I turned my social media and hesitantly stepped back in. My friends were excited because hello! Snapchat. So I ran into an interesting situation. I read into something that totally means nothing because everything up to this point was if you messaged me, you wanted to talk to me. Social media makes it so easy to keep ourselves completely distanced from reality. And that is why I hate it.

I learned that I missed that connection with my distant friends. I have quite a few friends outside of AZ and I miss knowing how their lives are going. I miss seeing their little kiddos growing up. Social media is a blessing when you try and stay connected with people. But as I said before, its a pseudo connection.

New Years Resolutions are great! Even if they don't turn out the way you think. Keep trying to be better. Keep loving those around you. Keep being you.

Happy New Year!

Kate

Wednesday, November 30, 2016

And In the End, I'd Do It All Again (an open letter to my best friend)

Hey there Boo.
I know, this is dorky of me, but you're used to it by now, right? There has just been so much on my mind lately. You left for school in August and I thought I'd be fine. I could handle it. I'll make new friends. But I was wrong.

Texting and face timing just isn't cutting it. So here is my letter to you.

Do you ever wonder what life would be like, had we never met? I'm just thankful this wasn't in the stars.

 We met before high school, I'd see you in between classes, or at lunch sitting in the hall way with Rachel. I knew Rachel a little bit better at the time. You two seemed inseparable. I craved that, that security, that friendship. I wasn't yet really friends with Kelcie. I was still coasting. Time went by and to be honest, I forgot about you.

We barely knew each other. I hung out with a different crowd. One I didn't belong in, not really. I love Kelcie, and she is a super good friend, but her friends are not my friends. We played Ultimate until all of us left on missions. I served mine in Pittsburgh while everyone else went foreign, or Washington. Really, no in between. I was refined during that 18 months. I became a different person. I confronted some demons I had always wondered about. But I confronted them on my own, no physical person to write to or explain. No one quite understood me. Because we weren't friends yet.

I came home and started hanging out with Lexy. She really saved me to be honest. I was depressed and still a shadow of the person I was before. She told me her job was hiring: Jamba Juice. Also, how chill her manager was (now I know this to be a lie. Brendon is NOT chill haha!). She'd put a good word in for me if I was interested. So I picked up an application. You were there, Rachel was too. I said hi but talked more to Rachel. After all, I knew her better. Rachel said she also would put in a good word for me too. You agreed and went back to your shift. The call came days after I put the application in and I got the job.

I messed up a lot, but you were there to coach me through (Don't use concentrate to make a fresh juice). I remember how nice you were. I was so glad I knew some people there. Then Leeann came home and you and Rachel and Leeann just gelled. You hung out a lot and would occasionally invite me to come along. I'd tag along but always felt like the outsider. You'd notice and made sure I didn't feel left out. I felt happy for the first time in a long time. I had friends.

Of course then came Vegas. You explained that you were getting tickets to see Fall Out Boy in Vegas for Rachel's birthday. I remember hesitating because 1.) Vegas, and 2.) Fall Out Boy. I knew exactly 2 songs from them. But I agreed. It might be fun.

Then, Leeann bailed on us, leaving us totally stranded. We booked a risky hotel and later loved it. I mean for crying out loud, the apples alone made the trip. You introduced me to a whole new world. A world of crazy awesome music, a world of laughter, and a world of acceptance. We got high (sorta) and we ate lots of caramel apples, and watched re-runs of Friends in the hotel after the concert. In the moment, I knew something special was happening.

You got taken to San Tan (not bitter), and I quit Jamba. I worked a different job, but we still talked. We were in the same ward. Our small talk turned to discussions and obsessions we shared. And if we didn't share them, we listened while the other went on.

Time went by, we saw many more concerts, none quite as memorable as the first though. We binge watched shows and saw scary movies. We crushed on boys and when it didn't go well comforted the other with "He is probably mentally insane cuz who wouldn't want you? Frick, I want you!" We went on road trips and set plans for the coming year. We sat outside each others houses and talked until 2-3am about life, work, boys, friends, religion, philosophy. I started to open up to someone in a way I didn't know I could. I trusted you. You even got me to quit my other job and come back to Jamba Juice. Only for you though. Then you told me you were going up to UVU.

I shut you out. You might not have noticed. When we talked about it, I changed the subject. It broke my heart to think that you would be living 12 hours away. It was easier to pretend that wasn't the case. I built up this beautiful brick wall that I wouldn't let anyone tear down. People would ask if I was ready for you to leave. The answer was always "yes, so she can continue on in life". But I hated that answer. The night before you left we hung out. You brought it up again, and I shut you down with the excuse "I don't wanna cry". But that wasn't the truth. The truth was I couldn't cry. Not right then. I felt completely numb. In those moments, I was losing my best friend. You eventually got out of my car and we hugged goodbye. But you didn't get to see the tears in my eyes as I drove home. The streams that left a trail on my cheeks. The drops that fell on to my lap. I had never lost someone like I was losing you. I was mad and I wiped the tears away angrily. This was dumb.

We texted and talked like nothing had changed. Until weekends rolled around and I was fine with closing on Friday and Saturday nights, because who was I supposed to hang out with?

Over time, I came to terms with it. You've been gone almost 5 months with 2 trips back down. I had a countdown on my phone just for you because I needed you back. Why such an emotion? Why did I have the feels?! And this week I realized why.

And in true Kate fashion, it's in the form of a Fall Out Boy song.

"And in the end, I'd do it all again, I think you're my best friend."

You are the person that I call when I frustrated to my wits end about work or school. I call you up when that really dumb boy in my World Religion's class is being stupid and I'm about to start a fight. You are the person that I have deep and meaningful discussions with. We talk about life and religion and where we want to be in 5 years. You are also the person that tolerates my rants as to why I think Patrick Stump is actually the best person on earth or my take on why Pete Wentz posted such and such on Instagram. You are the person who calls me out when I'm being a little brat. And by calling me out, I mean that you tell me to go get em. We swear a little and praise Jesus on Sundays. We jam out to some song about "champagne, cocaine, gasoline" despite the fact that the most illegal thing we've done is parked in a handicapped spot in front of your house while we jammed to said song. You are my person.

Despite the hell we've been through with some really interesting friend choices, you get me. You tolerate my never ending memes on messenger, my incessant sending of Buzzfeed articles in an effort to pretend we are still close. You, my friend, are the most amazing person I know. The most kind human. You've shown me the balance of loving people despite their differences and trusting everyone you meet, sometimes to a fault. You are truly a beautiful person inside and out.

So as I consider our friendship and where we started from, I can't help but ask, what about 2017?

All my love.
Kate

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Time Crawls On When You're Waiting For the Song To Start, So Dance Alone To the Beat of Your Heart

So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. My life is now where near where I want it to be. I need a lot of help. I'm going to be transparent for a second.

I'm in college. Yipee. I have an ok job, that demands a lot of mental hours (unpaid mind you). I'm extremely active in church responsibilities and yet, I sit here and think, "I'm not happy. Why am I not happy?" Probably because I am doing it all wrong. 

Yup. I said it. I admit it. I. am. wrong. My habits have lead me down a dark and demeaning road. I constantly look in the mirror and think "Who are you? Why do you even bother?"

I've done some amazing things in my life: I've been to New York City, I've seen a Broadway musical, I lived in Pennsylvania for 18 months (shout out to my lovelies!), I work as a habilitation worker for special needs kids, I am in school studying to be a speech pathologist, I am 21 years old with the world at my finger tips and I stare back into a mirror that is as empty as I feel. It gives no answer. It responds to no question. 

The future ways heavy on my mind. What am I going to do with life?

The answer? Something. SOMETHING great. I know I made a few New Year's Resolutions but let's be honest....who even keeps those beyond February? I didn't even make it to the 2nd week in January. But, I learned something about myself. I am not content to just sit back and let life pass me by day by stinking day. Who says tomorrow isn't going to be the best day of my life? I mean, it darn well could be, if I made it so. 

I was lucky enough to have a very spiritual experience this past week. I had made some mistakes that didn't leave me in good standing with God and I had to change those. It is a constant battle. Some days the devil wins, some days, Jesus does. It is really up to me who I trust more that day. Anyway, I was praying about the future (duh) and I felt the weirdest thing. I just wanted to quit my job. But apparently, God has another plan for me. I'm not entirely sure I am ready for it, but with God, all things are possible. I'm still working things out, but I know that in that moment, God hadn't given up on me. I'm still precious in His sight. 

I also started reading the book More Than the Tattooed Mormon by Al Carraway. Dude. She knows her stuff. If I can be half the woman she is, then I'll be good to go. So , her book talks about her conversion into the LDS faith and why she lives the way she does. In one of her chapters, "Blogging and Speaking", she talks about why she does it. Obviously, because she loves God and wants to see people happy. But she says something that made me sit up from where I was reading. "It's about you. It's about God. It's about overcoming, becoming better, and being happy. It's about returning. What an extraordinary journey we're on!"

Being happy. What is being happy? Whatever it is, I want it. What makes me happy? Good music? Food? Exercise? Finished homework and a long weekend? Well, yeah. But what brings me joy?

God. God brings me joy. He brings me lasting happiness in the darkest of times. He brings me little gifts of sunshine when I wonder if anything else could possible go wrong. He brings me decent parking spots in the school parking lot that is being renovated. He brings me my favorite song when I'm having a crummy day. He brings me home. Every day I get to go home and see my family who love me and appreciate the things that I do. He shows me that there is joy in the world, even when all that there seems to be is sadness, depression, sickness, wars, famines, and a lack of respect. With God, all things will be made right. 
I just know, that from now on, I have to CHOOSE happiness.

 I have to CHOOSE joy. 

I have to CHOOSE God.

Or else the devil is just waiting for me to trip over my own two feet and help me tumble down the mountain of depression. And my soul is worth so much more than that. Is yours? (The answer is 'yes', of course.)

I can't change others, but I can change myself. And I am planning on doing that. So here is to a new me, a happier me. Because I love God more than I love to wallow in self pity.

^katiegirl^

"For what it's worth: It's never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you're proud of, and if you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start over." F. Scott Fitzgerald


Sunday, December 27, 2015

Last Year's Wishes

So, 2016 is right around the corner, and I'm thinking I NEVER do New Year's resolutions because who honestly keeps them? Lose weight, be nicer, etc. 

Boring.

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life, and to be honest, 2015 has been a pretty cruddy year. Don't get me wrong, lots of fun things have happened; Fall Out Boy concert in Vegas with my best friends, seeing Tyler Ward live, starting a new job. Things like that have been great, but what have I done with my time?

I'm converting my blog into something of a reflection board. Every week I will post about my adventures because I am going to do New Year's resolutions. (Plus this will keep me accountable.) So here they are.

1.) I will not use social media for one year.

Crazy right?! And by the way, this blog doesn't count. I'm talkin Instagram, Facebook, and Snapchat. Yup. They are all going away. I spend WAAAAY too much time on them comparing my life to someone else's and I want to LIVE my life. I'm actually really excited. I'll turn off my accounts for a year and see what happens!

2.) I will go on one date a month. 

So, this one is a little sensitive for me. I have been on a grand total of 9 dates my entire 4-5 years of dating. Never held hands, never kissed anyone, and never really had good experiences with dates. I've had good times but being home for one year after living in Pittsburgh, I'm ready for a change. I know I'll be asking a lot of boys on dates, (12 to be exact) but I'm excited to see who I get to meet. I'm not anticipating this going anywhere, but hopefully I can meet some new people in the process. 

AAAAND

3.) I will do one new thing every day.

That's 365 NEW things I get to experience. Now, some of this will take planning, and some will be spur of the moment. I am just tired of sitting around saying I never do anything fun. There is so much to do and see in this world, and I'm going to enjoy it. I'm 21 years old for crying out loud. I have minimal bills, going to school and working. I gotta live a little. And my best friends have agreed to go on adventures with me. I am really psyched about this. 

So here is to a brand new year of adventures and excitement. 

^katiegirl^

"It took me so long to do so many important things, it's so hard to accept that I spent so many years being less happy than I could have been."
Pam Halpert


Tuesday, October 20, 2015

Over Dramatic Words

Hello there my lovely friend!! I am really impressed that you found this blog, cuz hello! Random. I actually started this because my sister suggested it. Aaaaaaannnnddd I may have been a little bored. But the real reason I thought about starting this up, is well, I dunno. I am a person. A person with some big dreams and little funds. I am not good at anything in particular, but I can do lots of stuff. As a human, I appear to be pretty boring, but I am ok with that. So I figured, why not talk about it?? Why not talk about everything and nothing at the same time! I hope we can journey this crazy thing we call life together. Who knows? Maybe we can learn something along the way. 

Let me start by introducing myself, if you didn't read my bio of course. ;) I am a closet geek. Or maybe I'm not. I haven't decided yet. I can be in to video games. I like hiking. Music is pretty awesome. But there is a secret that you should know.

I am a HUGE nerd. When I get passionate about something, I go all out. I know random crap about all sorts of things. Not as well as my youngest sister, but she is kind of an odd ball anyways. But oh well. I have to tone it down just a little to keep my friends. Just kidding, they love me. 

So I am college and figuring life out. Or something like that. I at least have a major picked out, even if I am still working out how to get there. I have aspirations to become a pediatric speech pathologist. Yup. Someday, I'll help kiddos say my title. 

Among my obsessions, you maaaayyy find an obscene amount of quotes. Because honestly, who can say it better than other people? So, I hope to leave you with a quote every time I blog. If only for my sanity. 

thanks for reading!!

^katiegirl^

"We have to remember what's important in life: friends, waffles, and work. Or waffles, friends, work. But work has to come third." {Leslie Knope}